Why Does Gender Awareness  Matter?

The current outburst wave of sexual mistreatment, misconduct, and abuse of women by men in the workplaces, in the community, not to mention in the homes left us all wonder and question whether we have done our part, our responsibility, and accountability for our own actions towards one another as we mingle and socialize!

Carly Fiorina, a former CEO of Hewlett Packard and the 2016 Republican Presidential nominee said, the current wave of the sexual harassments allegations from Hollywood to Capitol Hill “will only be a watershed moment if men decide to step forward”. Though she may have a point there, traditionally, male chauvinism and ego will not allow them to step forward. It will mean self-defeat, and who will bring self-down voluntarily? Perhaps it will take a village to help men keep their acts together and “man-up” for their daughters, sisters, aunties, wives, and mothers!

Now, we have heads of states, Hollywood moguls, journalists, Joe the plumber, and or taxi-drivers all have been sexually misbehaving towards women! Of course, in all walks of life, there are bad apples and oranges, but when the bad multiplies, will eventually infect all and become pandemic if not contained!

In trying to find some answers to this disturbing sexual harassment behaviors by men, looking at the root cause of this problem from the context of gender biases and stereotypes that begins from early years of age and continues as they grow old will be a viable measure and inevitable way, if we want to restrain sexual misconduct from its root!

So, instead of waiting for men to step forward, mothers and teachers especially should more than ever before become more aggressive in addressing and teaching moral compass to our children-teaching our boys what being girls means to boys and what being boys means to girls-how to be respectful, responsible, and accountable for our interpersonal relationships and social-interaction behaviors.

The current ongoing wave of sexual misconducts and sexual harassment allegations against women make every woman and mothers wonder whether we have done a good job in raising our children and teach them enough about gender and the respect for gender differences and what it means from early years of their age.

Now than ever before, we need to look back and rethink on how to counteract gender stereotypes with young children so that they (boys especially) grow up with awareness of acceptable pro-social conducts and interpersonal interactions, boundaries of interacting and relating to one another and healthy relationship building. We must raise boys and girls who will grow up not only respecting one another but also responsible for their actions towards one another!

How do young children’s experiences with gender bias affect their development and opportunities for leading successful lives later in the workplaces, in the communities, and in the homes? What can mothers and teachers do to intervene and counteract these stereotypes?

Joannie M. Schrof, a journalist and an editor have said, “Despite current applause for gender equality, children seem to be as stereotypically sex-typed as those of yesteryear.”

Stereotypes and sexism limit potential growth and development because internalizing negative stereotypes impacts self-esteem and ultimately, academic performances of learners and for adults, it affects work performances and relationships with one another and or with their spouses.

There are many stereotypes in every society! Some of the stereotypes are negative and others are positive, however, all stereotypes contribute to a culture of prejudice, which is communicated in words and actions to families, communities, and young children (Derman-Sparks, 2001).

The early gender bias experiences that children encounter can shape their

· Attitude and beliefs related to their development of interpersonal

and intrapersonal relationship,

· Access to educational equity,

· Participation in the corporate work world, as well as

· Stifling their physical and psychological well-being (Hendrix &

Wei, 2009).

(https://youtu.be/kJP1zPOfq_0)

It is critical for educators especially early childhood educators to be aware and vigilant about the effects of gender stereotypes because the concepts of gender identity (intentionally and unintentionally) are applied on children even before they are born, e.g. baby’s room be painted blue or pink, and choices of play toys to symbolize the gender of the child!

Children begin to form concepts of gender around age 2, and most children know if they are a boy or a girl by the age of 3 (Martin & Ruble, 2004).

Children develop their gender identity and begin to understand what it means to be male and or female between ages 3 and 5 years, and soon as children become gender aware, they begin developing stereotypes, which they apply to themselves and to others, in an attempt to give meaning to an understanding of their own identity!

By ages 5 these stereotypes are well developed and become rigidly defined between ages of 5 and 7, making the preschool years a critical period to deal with gender stereotypes (Martin & Ruble, 2004).

Long-term gender bias effects become most apparent in students during adolescence (Carlson Egeland & Sroufe, 2004).

Educators, particularly preschool educators can help children develop a positive sense of their own gender. Teachers who are familiar with the factors that influence gender identity and stereotype development, and who understand the child’s active role in gender identity formation, can more effectively counteract and even neutralize gender bias in their classrooms and attempt to prevent the formation of children’s gender stereotypes (Zaman, 2007). They say prevention is better than cure! If we catch them during their early years of learning, it will save them during their old ages as had learned and refrained from behaviors that are gender identity influenced and stereotypes.

Theories of Gender Development

Lawrence Kohlberg was one of the first theorists to address gender as a learned, cognitive concept. Kohlberg believed that children’s cognitive understanding of gender influenced their behavior (Kohlberg, 1981). Kohlberg’s thinking was influenced by Jean Piaget, who portrayed children as active learners who use interactions with their environment to construct an understanding of the world around them.

These early ideas have been supported by research, and in one study, children were asked about traditional and non-traditional images of women as portrayed in books. Children as young as age 5 were able to use outside knowledge or assumption to reconcile ideas that conflicted with their worldview. They rationalized and used “probably” statements to explain how they come to their conclusions, with or without the use of stereotypes. This research supports Gender-Schema Theory (Martin & Ruble, 2004) which involved the creation of organized structures of knowledge that influence thinking and behavior.

Also, Lev Vygotsky on social interaction played a fundamental role in cognitive development-the ways people interact with others and the culture they live in shape their mental abilities and behaviors (sociocultural theory). Imitation and instruction are vital components to children’s development. Adults promote this learning by role-modeling behavior, assisting with challenging tasks and passing along cultural meanings to events and things, all of which are components of gender development.

Therefore, as adults, we are responsible in raising our children as moral individuals and we need to do more to model the behaviors we want to see in ourselves, in our children, in our community, and in our homes!

Influences on Gender Identity and Stereotypes

Gender stereotypes are pervasive in the media and popular culture (S. Saltmarsh, 2009). From consumer products inundate children with gender-typed on messages on bed sheets, towels, bandages, clothes, school supplies, toys and furniture (Freeman, 2007); to media advertising products e.g. cars or computers sales, typically depicting men and boys as competent users, engaged on active or professional roles, while women and girls were passive observers or merely posed next to the cars/computer while looking pretty or provocative. Same as in movies which convey powerful messages about gender roles and stereotypes.

It is from these treatments of women and girls (gender inequality in many levels) that creates the unwanted and bad behaviors we currently see in many men towards women!

From preschool settings to the higher learning institutions gender inequalities have been observed and it’s now up to the teachers, families (mothers especially) to work more closely with children from young years of age to combat the negative gender identity behaviors that culminate to sexual behavior misconducts and sexual abuses on women.

The classroom environment can not only affect how young children understand the importance of social issues, such as those of gender, but also what they think about themselves and others.

Teachers have the tremendous influence on ideas about gender significance and the role of each gender that must comply with to maintain proper interpersonal interactions and social relationships. Instead of praising girls for their clothing, hairstyles, neatness, and helping behaviors; and in contrast praising boys for their strength, physical skills, sizes, and academic competence or accomplishments, it is better to adopt a neutrality position when addressing boys and girl’s world from early on.

Likewise, families influence gender learning when they reinforce or discourage specific behaviors, for example, mothers are more likely than fathers to encourage collaborative play with both sons and daughters, but fathers are more likely than mothers to react negatively to cross-gender behavior, especially with sons; sons are more likely to be told stories of autonomy and achievement, while daughters are more likely to be told stories of relationships or support; fathers more often told stories of mastery and success, while mothers’ stories were usually a direct expression of emotion.

Therefore, moving forward in combating sexual harassment and or abuse towards women, teachers are to be prepared to promote equitable teaching and families confront gender differentiation and identity construction at homes by demonstrating unbiased interactions and communication, provide encouragement and coaching both girls and boys as having equal abilities and talents to tackle anything they put their hands or heads to.

The power of self-concept is profound, as is the ability of adults to influence the children around them. Families and teachers are encouraged to consciously and intentionally create and promote a positive learning environment-not just in promoting developmentally appropriate practices to stimulate cognitive, emotional and physical domains, but to create a moral compass for what they learn, as well as help shape a global, multicultural, and anti-bias worldview.

Young children create and internalize their own meaning of gender, based on the social cues of the adults, environment, and media around them. Adult, in turn, have a responsibility to ensure that those cues and messages create a healthy understanding of what it means to be male and female (Derman Spark, 2001).

By equipping young children with positive messages of empowerment regardless of gender, in addition to the critical thinking skills to identify stereotypes, teachers and families can impact in children's self-concept resiliency, even when faced with negative stereotypes (Small, 2003). Those children will then be less likely to perpetuate the stereotypes and can help end the cycle of prejudice against girls and women. (Dimensions of Early Childhood, Vol. 39 №3, 2011).

What Does It Take to Know Your Child Well and Get the Best Out of Him/Her?

Rich family, poor family, black family, white family, no family is immune to challenges. Whether from our own family members or from external forces, the biggest challenge many families face is how to deal and resolve family problems amicably and relate to one another affectionately or in a more friendlier manner.

If you are a parent, you know that the journey of parenting starts with the arrival of your child into the world. From day one you have unequivocally interacted with this unique individual child, take time to learn about this child’s special qualities or traits-you are excited about your child, and your child is excited about you too as you both interact and get to know one another.

As days go by, you observe this child in various settings as he/she navigate the world around him/her. You start learning more and a lot about your child as your child reciprocate or remonstrate. You learn how you can better react and address your child’s world and continue to create a special bond; you probably have a vision and a mission about your family’s future-creating a strong and effective family- “the what family is all about”!

But sooner or later you realize that to create a strong and an effective family it requires more than observing, reading or teaching on daily basis, but more importantly, involving and doing it together.

And so, to get your child involved and do their part (whether jobs, homework, etc.) delightfully without countless reminders, verbal threats, and or bribes what parents should do more or do differently?

Parents are constantly get reminded of is these words of wisdom, “early teaching means early learning”, “parents have greater influence in their child’s life”, and, “true happiness comes from the quality of your relationship with your family”; yet to do these things for ourselves and for our children becomes the most daunting task for many parents.

Having a great conversation with our young children in this modern technological societies is becoming increasingly difficult and challenging task for many parents. The sea and the flow of information at their fingertips has enabled many things that contaminates their delicate growing brains/minds resulting them to growing up too fast as they find themselves engaging more and more into these media-initiated and targeted youth activities that are not suitable for their brains such as violence games that resulting to violent crimes, drinking problems, spread of opioid and marijuana usage, and the sexual activities at a very young age. Thus, the concept of “let children be children” (childhood) is being erased before our eyes.

How then can we bring back our children into a real conversation that we can understand them for who they are or who have become, i.e., as own unique people and guide them to grow well, learn, and become respectable and responsible citizens?

Thus, balancing between loving your children and disciplining your children without robbing them the freedom they need for their own growth while enabling them to experience the real journey of life that includes endurance, resiliency and genuine and realistic self-discovery that all children need to experience balanced life!

The answer to the above questions lies on the fact that it will take learning about yourself and your child to make it easy for you to parent your child better and get the best out of him/her, and here is how:

First, Know How My Children are Different from Me

Knowing yourself first, help you know about your child as well. To a large extent, our children are who we are! They have inherited our genes-the way we conduct ourselves, the way we live our lives, the way we nurture ourselves and our children shape the way they grow and learn.

As parents, we know the challenges in every stage of human development, and in every stage, we experience different social-emotional, cognitive, as well as physical development etc. and it’s from these experiences that make us unique individuals with different needs, and interests which will ultimately affect our paths to growth and development.

Like adults, children experience different emotions (stress, anger, frustrations, etc.) and have their own perspectives about their world. They have likes and dislikes, temperament types, and learning about how different they are from yours will help you understand your child better and know how to minimize the frictions between two of you-allowing things in moderation while building in skills that will eventually eliminate all that causing misunderstanding between you and your child.

Remember, if you are too rigid and strict it may backfire and cause unwanted behavior (defensive or rebellious attitude). Likewise, if you are too lenient and giving all the time, it sets the room for dependence, entitlement, and even laziness.

The most important thing you can give to your child especially in today’s world is your time with them.

Many studies show that parent-child time together has some lifelong benefits. Parents who read often to their child, sharing meals (meals time together), having one-on-one conversations more often on matters involving your child’s world, parents’ sensitivity towards your children’s needs and interests and parents taking interests on what matters the most in their children’s life.

Insensitive and selfish parents affect their children negatively, while parents who are sensitive towards their children’s needs and interests have a tremendous positive impact on their children; even by just witnessing their parents responding or worrying about their well-being, children notice, and this has a tremendously positive outcome on them.

“What inspires a child to grow up caring about others is the caring that the child receives.” (American Psychological Association, 2005).

So, as parents, we need to ask ourselves if we are doing enough for our children. Are we doing enough for our children to be watching us, not just listening to us!

Robert Fulghum once said, “Don’t worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you”.

The demands for parenting today are enormous! Parents are working long hours to be able to pay bills while leaving their children alone or in the hands of others/strangers. Finding quality parent-child time is challenging but it’s the most important piece of the puzzle that is missing in many families nowadays. It’s the quality parent-child time that brings the family together and into real and meaningful conversations.

Second, The Ways My Children Get My Attention

Children are naturally curious attention seekers (and so as some parents since they were once children, and probably never overgrew their curiosity to attention seeking part of their behavior) but knowing the limit is crucial because even the positive attention-seeking can become toxic and a behavior problem when exercised uncontrollably. Attention-seeking isn’t much different from manipulation, except that manipulation can also emerge from negative attention by both parents and children.

Many children misbehave to get attention which in turn use it to manipulate, hence discipline problems. Many parents also manipulate their children which create more behavior problems hence discipline problems. As we learn to give both carrots and sticks, we should remember these strategies that enable us to give only the “needed attention”. We must know the balance between how much attention children need and how much we can give. Be aware of when “need for attention” may turn to “demand for attention”!

I believe that parenting style of guiding your children does affect your children. It affects their personality and their approach to life, particularly, their moral compass, their emotional intelligence, level of self-esteem, how they manage anger and aggression, how they handle stress, their willingness to cooperate with others, whether they can take another person’s perspective, and their social skills.

Parents can teach more helpful behaviors by showing and modeling desired behaviors such as using words to express anger. Parents can also identify behavior that causing the problem (nagging, winning, belonging, etc.) and teach skills that would be more helpful for the child, e.g. asking for things or help in a normal voice/tone.

Acknowledging your child when your child does good, make effort, or demonstrate good behavior helps your child to remember that is an appropriate and acceptable way that can be repeated again-it boost your child’s morally. While we condemn bad behavior, we must be vigilant in acknowledging and praising good behaviors for it gives signals or cues for more constructive behaviors.

Giving a meaningful feedback to children also is crucial to managing children’s behaviors. Helpful information is critical to constructing skills and behavioral competencies. Good feedback can help children make good changes to some chronic behaviors.

Furthermore, make sure that your children don’t start seeing themselves through the eyes of those who don’t value them. Help your children realize how uniquely and precious they are and pay attention to the most important things that illuminate and amplify your children’s lives, because “no attention” at all is worse than positive and negative attention.

Third, Things My Children Likes or Loves (Personal likes/Needs Versus Your Likes/Needs)

Part of raising children well and supporting their needs that allows them healthy progression is not only to know who your children are but also, what your children like and loves! Your child may like or love music more than math for example, how are you going to either intervene and help your child to love both, and if that isn’t an option, how can you nurture and support the talents or the creativity your child wants to put into the music to thrive well in music while also helping him not to ignore and fail math completely?

There will be times when your child’s likes or loves conflict with what you would like your child to pursue instead. Understanding that it’s not all about you but rather about your child, knowing the differences and learning to address them creatively and constructively will not only save both of you from may parent-child frictions but will build-in strengths that you can both work on or count on.

I have seen it with my own children, for example, I get so frustrated when I see them not studying hard enough, and I will lecture them how they should study and even draw a comparison from how I studied during my time in school, to how they are studying now, which in my mind (not in their mind) isn’t good enough or hard enough! And they will always respond, “but we haven’t performed poorly”! And of course, I will rebuttal, “but you could perform extraordinarily if only you could study a little harder, adopt a better or a different study-style and or study-plan, I may also go above and beyond to what they needed at a time; I will add variety of study materials on the study area etc. with the intention to influence them to follow my suggestions”.

Yes, I might amplify the need to take learning seriously simply by talking “how to” and even by providing supporting materials but the ultimate decision is theirs, especially if they prove to be where they are expected to be, whether performing well academically or performing other roles in their own style and get things done!

We become effective and better supportive when we can afford our children an environment which is conducive to growth and learning-provide tools and materials for learning effectively with the hope that such environment will inspire and motivate them in their learning. And perhaps, that is the best way to nurture what they might need and like to support their talents and creativity in their studies than constantly lecturing them about what works and what doesn’t work when we are two different individuals and in a different period.

Remember, a lasting and solid mutual friendship is based on identifying the likes and the dislikes.

Four, Special Challenges My Child Faces

For me and my family, perhaps more than anything is the assurance that, “…It is going to be OKAY; tomorrow is going to be better than yesterday…”. All parents want their children to be feeling secure and to be happy.

Our children pose many and special challenges, but above all is the sense of security! How secure my children feel is a mystery to me especially in today’s world where they are constantly bombarded with many things beyond their understanding and control. Things that parents too have no control of and we are all struggling to catch up with this fast-paced technological society and the need to fit-in or cope with the pace!

Scientist, Albert Einstein, said, “It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity…He also contended, “The human spirit must prevail over technology.”

If there is one thing that makes many parents worrisome is thinking about challenges our young children are confronted with in this era of fast advancement of technology which induces a range of emotions in many children from all corners of the world (whether they have the tech-gadgets-wanting more or the latest, and or they don’t have it and longing to have it). The impact that technology brings to our lives has both good and evil experiences.

Parents must be extremely vigilant about the evil side technology is bring to our families and our societies at larger to the lowest point of our humanity. Helping our children use technology with cautions because children are the most vulnerable and targeted group, is a real challenge parents fears as they witness their children burying themselves more and more into it (texting 24/7, ears-devices/speakers on 24/7, video games, etc.), it is interfering and interrupting with our ways of doing things and our ability to mingle with other human beings!

On the good side of technology, it has brought the world look smaller- brings people closer together (video chats, smartphones that can connect even in the remote part of the world), and it has solved some of the greatest challenges-medical discoveries, tech-education, etc.

In education, for example, technology has become a life-saver, a game-changer, for many smart children with learning disabilities, children in schools and out of schools, as well as for adults who can go back to school at their chosen time while continue working. Technology brings textbooks and blackboards to your fingertips -with internet connecting students across the globe, and it is helping to bridge the achievement gap as it accommodates the self-paced and the learning styles of any student.

Five Special Strengths of My Child

Understanding your child’s strengths may help you support your child better and more effectively. There are different clues of strengths your child may display. If you can identify them and capitalize on them, you will be helping your child build character and habits, you can both count on. Your character is what makes you a person you are! And helping children build positive character is vital to their strengths.

Kindness, love of learning, tolerance, persistence, resilience, self-confidence, courage and responsibility are the strengths that I look from my children to build-in character and habits. There are different strengths in every one of us-you are how you relate to other people and the world around you-you step-up to help when needed, you work well and get along well with one another, with our colleagues/classmates, and with our co-workers; even the ability to accept or admit life challenges, disappointments and be able to move on gracefully are the strengths children need to learn and acquire, hence, we become responsible parents with responsible children!

Rudolf Drekuirs & Margaret Goldman, said, “Never do for a child what he can do for himself. A “dependent” child is a demanding child…children become “irresponsible” only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility.”

In the end, I want my children to learn and draw their strengths from the fact that life is filled with highs and lows, with mountains to conquer and carves to explore, long roads to travel that will test their strength, resilience, persistence, self-confidence and courage-the character that push them to overcome challenges. But the lessons they will learn is that to overcome the challenges is what makes them stronger and better persons. Is what makes them persons of character!

Former Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger said, “Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is the strength.”

Six, but not least, What I appreciate About My Child

Appreciating one another in the family context build love, respect, and strong relationships, that make a family strong. When we acknowledge each other and give each other space to grow, when we show compassion towards one another and extends it to others, we appreciate them and life itself.

One of the many lessons from Dalai Lama writings, “If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”

Compassion, therefore, is a component of moral values (respect, kindness, empathy, genericity, sensitivity, honest, etc.), that we teach our children-the ethical behavior that children develop to understand right and wrong! When my children show compassion towards me or other people it shows that they are learning and developing as expected and I appreciate them for that-for being kind, for showing respect, for sharing, for helping or telling the truth, etc.

Ralph Marston said, “Make it a habit to tell people thank you. To express your appreciation, sincerely and without the expectation of anything in return. Truly appreciate those around you, you will soon find many others around you. Truly appreciate life, and you will find that you have more of it.”

My children are my reasons to think of tomorrow differently; and as parents, it’s our responsibility to make our children understand that they are special to us as we are special persons to them!

There are so many ways to appreciate our children but the most powerful one is when children listen and follow useful bits of advice instead of being disrespectful or ungrateful; when they think of others-sharing versus selfishness, and when they refrain from being defensive and rebellious, when they step-up to help willingly, and when they learn to accept mistakes; to sum up, children are more appreciated when they uphold morals and values that make us and the society we live in complete.